How to resolve conflicts without breaking up?
It's important to talk about what bothers you in relationships. However, when expressing your dissatisfaction turns into criticism of your partner, they may perceive it as a personal attack. In such a case, the conversation is more likely to resemble a battlefield rather than a pleasant dialogue:
— I'm tired of your promises; you never keep them. You're selfish and never think about me!
— Because of you, we're always late. You behave like a child!
— You're irresponsible, and you always criticize me!
— I've had enough! We'd be better off divorcing!
— Exactly! I shouldn't have married you in the first place!
These or similar phrases, unfortunately, are familiar to many of us. Often, people reach out to me precisely because of difficulties in relationships. Every person faces different challenges, but the main question that concerns everyone is: "WHAT SHOULD I DO?"
"If you don't talk about the problem, it will keep recurring, and it's unbearable for me. It's not a relationship, but some kind of hell. What should I do?"
Expressing Your Needs
In my practice, I help people to express their needs sincerely, clearly, and with respect for themselves and the conversation partner. Let's learn together how to provide constructive feedback, so that you are being heard and understood. I suggest following these steps:
👟 Step 1. Before starting the conversation, answer these 3 questions:
- What am I feeling right now?
- What triggered this feeling?
- What do I want/need at this moment?
Example:
Answer 1: "I feel irritated."
Answer 2: "You didn't wash your dishes."
Answer 3: "I want you to wash that dish."
👟 Step 2. Combine all 3 answers into one sentence using the following pattern:
I FEEL + Answer 1 + WHEN YOU + Answer 2 + I WANT TO ASK YOU/I NEED + Answer 3
This sentence is called an "I-Statement." It is free from accusations and criticism, preventing the conversation from turning into an argument.
Example: "I feel irritated when you don't wash your dishes. I want to ask you to please wash it."
To have constructive conversation
1. Speak up immediately and only about the current issue. Don't wait for unpleasant feelings to go away on their own. Unexpressed emotions accumulate. When we feel a certain emotion, our brain recalls all situations where we felt the same. It's like a little bomb that is about to explode, but that's how our emotional memory is structured.
To avoid outbursts, talk about discomfort IMMEDIATELY as soon as you feel it. The formula mentioned above, "I-Statements," can help.
Address issues ONE BY ONE, starting with the MOST RELEVANT. Describe it as clearly as possible.
Criticism: "You are irresponsible." — this phrase sounds like something already defined about a person, which is impossible to change. It is unclear in which specific situations the person behaves irresponsibly.
Request: "I feel sad because you informed me about the cancellation of our meeting only 15 minutes before it. Please inform me about changes in plans at least 1 hour in advance."
2. Use "I" instead of "YOU".
Avoid using the word "YOU," which can be perceived as an accusation. Instead, talk about your feelings and needs using "I-Statements."
Criticism: "Because of you, we're always late." — an accusation that doesn't inspire a quick resolution.
Request: "I feel anxious when we are late to the movies. I see that you need more time to get ready. Can I help you with something?"
3. Remember to maintain a friendly tone. Only in a calm atmosphere we are able to truly hear another person. If emotions are still running high, take a break and take care of yourself: breathe, meditate, make tea, read a book, or take a walk. Once you feel better, you can get back to the important conversation. This increases the chances of being heard.
Criticism: "I hate you" — it is unclear what is causing such feelings and how to act in this situation.
Expressing a need: "I am very angry right now, so I need some time alone to calm down a bit."
4. Avoid using generalizations.
Try to avoid the usage of generalizing words like "ALWAYS" and "NEVER." It's another trap of our brain, which tends to generalize everything. However, such phrases evoke negative feelings and a desire to counterattack.
Criticism: "You always play video games in your free time and never pay attention to me."
Request: "I feel sad when you play video games while we agreed to have dinner together. I would like to ask you to let me know when your plans change."
Certainly, the ability to communicate about one's needs and respond to a partner's desires is not a cure-all for all relationship problems. However, it is a good start to building close, warm relationship with your loved one.
Each of us needs understanding and emotional closeness from our partner. In my practice, I support couples in understanding what truly lies behind the accusations and guide them in making their relationships reliable and resilient.
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If you have any questions, ask me here: ✉️ : olesya.bobruyko@gmail.com. I'll be happy to answer.
With warmth and kindness,
yours Olesia Bobruiko